Or whose back.
Or Uzbek.
Fed the bikram teacher’s back.
The one who's too loud.
The one who always says the same thing, over and over again.
The one who ‘Mama gimme money’.
The one who ‘Japanese ham sandwhich’.
The one who ‘loves the sound of his own voice WAY too much!’… (see the 'comments' section of BYC FB page circa Oct. 2015)
Him.
Except… He’s not back. He’s not back at all.
My practice is slipping through my fingers (‘…now she’s gone, I’m sleeping with the light on…’), just like my ankle in Standing Bow Pulling.
My breath is getting laboured, 15 minutes into class.
And Savasana makes me cry. It makes me sob so loudly, people around me think I’m hyperventilating.
I find it hard to look at myself in the mirror... Because it’s like I’m losing a vital part of myself.
And I feel a bit scared. Scared that, in four months time, I’ll have nothing to give, because the little I had, will have been left behind, on the road, between a pull-up and a bus journey.
And yet, there’s one thing that I can still cling on to.
Acceptance.
That’s all I know. That’s all I can promise.
My breath may be laboured, but it's still through my nose.
I might not be kicking out, but my knee is still locked.
My mind may be screaming, but I’ll stay in the room.
_______________________________________________________________________________
A special thanks to Steffi - who taught a rocking class - and Kristina, who, together with Clivia, founded Bikram City Yoga Hamburg in 2004: an 'old skool', little gem of a studio, with a big heart. (https://www.bikramcityyoga.de)
After over a month of intermittent and cold self-practice - anywhere from tiny hotel rooms, conference rooms, gym studios and swimming pools - it felt so great to be back in the heat... despite the challenge.
Or perhaps exactly because of it.
We'll visit Hamburg again in February and there's a chance I might teach a class there... Would be great fun. Providing I can remember any of the dialogue.
How does it go again?
'Everybody together, feet together at the line, heels and toes touching each other...'
Oh yeah. Still there.
